Dear Mommy
Oh How I miss you. Today was a hard day. Just wanted to hear your voice today. I have days where all I want is to hear you say is it will be all right just hold on. My wife told me that I should write you a letter and tell you how I feel, I have done it I have written pages and pages to you. I have had journals written out to you. Mommy I am tired, tired of feeling like my past is chasing me. I have tried to shake it, I have tried to avoid, I thought I buried it. I tried to wash it away with alcohol, relationships, work and even God. Now I am embracing it. I am sure that's what you would want me to do. Some days I think about what you had to endure. I think of the pain. I know you were in pain. I remember you being scared, but trying so hard not to show it. It was our secret, me wiping away the tears. I was your little man. How it made you feel, knowing what your sons were doing out there to provide and survive. I know you did not condone it but you understood. I wasn't the only one out there fighting for our family. All of your sons played a role. All of your boys endured hardship because of the love they had for you. I just wanted you to be proud of me. I was at work tonight and I just felt so overwhelmed. I have always felt like I have had the world on my shoulders and I didn't want to share that, I didn't want to be a burden, I couldn't show the weakness. Alot of people tried to get in, I just would not let them in, when I didn't they couldn't understand and it destroyed relationships all kinds of relationships. Then along comes Tam, from the very beginning she reminded me of you. She was there no matter what, she is a soldier. Her resilience, her tenderness, her sensitivity, her stubbornness, and her ability to make a way out of no way. You would like her. Ain't no walking over her. She is someone I can be me with. Its still a struggle for me to do it sometimes. I have had many relationships with woman because I wanted to save them. Was it them I was trying to save or was it you? I was used to make that ultimate sacrifice for woman , being that no matter what man. I always got short changed in the end. No more.
I am a preacher now. Who would have knew huh? You always said do something you enjoy and help as many people as you can along the way. I love it Mom. I was built to do this, I was taken thru the refining fire for this. There hasn't been a time yet where I haven't gotten prepared to deliver the word and looked to the first empty seats I see and just picture you and Daddy there, praising and worshipping with your son.
Oh How I miss you Mommy. I still can't listen to certain songs without feeling low afterwards. I look in the mirror and I see Daddy. I have to stop and say you look just like your Father. He taught me so much Mommy. I mean he had some major flaws. But he instilled in me a value system, and a old school flavor, like making sure the female walks on the inside of the sidewalk. I had times as I grew older that depression had such a hold on me.......Whew. I didn't know what to call it or to even try to label it. I was just sticking to myself. The holidays used to wear me out I would put on my best mask and grin and bear it. Not anymore now I can make it. Victory.
If you could see your Grandkids, they are something else. You can just see the anointing on their lives. God has a awesome purpose for them. D is one of the best athletes I have ever seen. Chantelle is so much fun, she has adapted so well far better then I expected her, she got some strength more then she knows. She represents Bernadette very well. D'Asia is the glue, Mommy she is what holds everything together, she is my right hand. You got some good Grandkids.
Aunt Pam was so clutch to take me in like she did. She was very patience with me, never treated like a outsider. From what I know about ya'll's relationship it was rocky at best. I remember you receiving a letter from her while we lived in Philly not sure what it said I just remember tears in your eyes. Mommy she loves you and misses you also.
You know Gordy can't mention your name without the tears. Will always defend you.
Mark is still Mark. Just as stubborn as he wants to be. That's my big brother right there. I used to worship the ground Mark walk on, I would wear his clothes to school, Try to go where he went no matter where it may be. I just wanted to be around him. He helped me out alot, Mommy.
Oh my sisters!!!!! My sisters they my world right there. I am so proud of them, sometimes I just call them and tell them how wonderful they are just so they know. Keya is doing good Mommy. She has a awesome path in front of her, God's plan for her is so amazing she just got to keep on doing her thang. She got to pull on that strength within her, its there. I love her dearly that's my twin.
Candi, she is a mover, Keya is my twin. Candi is our right hand. She is a hard worker. She is a magnet. People are just attracted to her, they just wanted to be around her get her input and advice. She makes things happen.
Baby Sis Em, you know she treats me like I am her Dad. I am very proud of her she found herself in a situation where she made a huge mistake, but Mommy she stood there and took responsibility. I worry about her the most, just because she is the baby. She looks just like you.
Mommy I know every question will not be answer, and that's fine. Not looking for all that. I want the Elmwood Garden days back. Restoration.
Tell Daddy I said I love him. Tell Chad I will see him soon and he is not forgotten. We going to look out for TT.
Love you Mommy I will talk to you soon.
With Tears and a Smile Good Night.
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Dear Mommy
Mark told me you wanted your girls to keep their eyes open and not believe all the things they would say about you. Well, I’m completely in the dark, eyes shut tight. See, Mom those slanderous words you were preparing us for never came. You’re not mentioned over holiday turkeys and yams. It would seem that there are no funny stories to be told. You know the ones that we tell, the one’s that still have the ability to make you laugh so hard you cry. Nope not an anecdote or Moochie-ism is ever shared. So I don’t know you and silence only leads to assumptions.
I can only assume what type of women you were. From what I saw, you loved and fought hard. You could have laid aside your pride and came home to be with your family. Maybe your relationship with your sisters might have been repaired. Instead you decided to stay and fight for your marriage. I assume it was happy at one time. Maybe it wasn’t what you expected. It wasn’t like those ones depicted in Hollywood but they couldn’t have written a better drama. Maybe you were fighting for what it used to be. Yeah you loved and fought hard.
You loved us too or that’s what I hear. I’m torn. From what I saw, you didn’t love me at all. You were never there and when you were you were crying yourself to sleep. I never got to see this strength that everyone speaks of. Your substance of choice robbed me of that opportunity. Robbed me blind. I’m 24 and still finding it difficult to come back to the scene of the crime.
I’m so mad at you. Mostly because you're not here. I was angry with you even then. Not Daddy of course. He wasn’t there so it had to be your fault. In my mind you were what kept him gone for days at a time. Celebrations of his return were always cut short by fights. Mommy I even blamed you for the fights yall got into. I just wished you would shut-up, get out of his face, and stop yelling. I would think how foolish you were for not learning your lesson. You knew that squaring off in the living room would lead to black eyes. I didn’t need to see that. I just wished you would spare us. Now I realize it was like watching a bad car wreck, you just knew the outcome would be bad but there was nothing you can do. I can see it clearly; him throwing you down the steps, while Emmy, Elgin and I tried to stop him.
I wonder how you felt about me. I sense we would have butted heads. There’s a certain level of respect that you lose for your mother when you see her being treated like that. There’s a certain level of respect that you lose for yourself.
(Sigh) I know it wasn’t your fault Mommy. You didn’t ask to be abused. Maybe you didn’t think you could do better. But now you’re not here to tell me that I can do better. You’re not here to give the advice I need. I want to call you sometimes. More often than not I want to lay in your lap and have you tell me everything will be okay. That this pain I feel won’t last always…you’re not here. You were supposed to teach me how to be a woman. Do you know how hard it is to grow up surrounded by friends who have mothers? Do you? Jealousy isn’t even the word for it. There’s got to be one that describes this pain. There’s got to be one that describes this hole. You were supposed to be here, everyday. Why? Cause I need you everyday. Everyday.
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