Dear Dad

I look in the mirror and I see you. I hear myself talk and I hear you. I am not you. I will never be like you. I may have some of your qualities and characteristics, some good some bad. I am not you. I have your first name. I am not you. When I was young I wanted to be you. Before the I found the needles, before you slapping my Mom. The pictures I saw of you playing basketball. All the awards, all the trophies, all that talent. Wasted. We never played ball or went to the park for you to work on my game, you never gave me any tips on my jump shot, or how to work the pick and roll. You gave me your responsibilities. I became the provider, the comforter, the protector I was the Man. With every bag of heroin, out went my dreams, with every knot you tied to make your veins pop up, so your high could pop off, my hopes popped like a needle to a balloon. You never knew me. You never knew what I was, or what I was to become. You killed my childhood. I don't know how to forgive you. Don't know if I can, don't know if I want to. I look at you life as a waste.
I used to dream of seeing you, the things I always said i was going to do to you. For the pain you caused us. Selfish. I am a better man then you. I guess for that I can say thank you. Because you showed me what not to be. Don't get me wrong your boy ain't perfect, Lord knows that I struggle.

You didn't come to my wedding. I got married because of YOU!!!! I didn't want my daughter to grow up like me. I wanted her life to be stable. I don't even know how to explain to you how hard it was, coming home from school not knowing what was going to be going on, praying to God to let somebody come down to the house so you could go by them drugs, and make a couple of dollars so we could eat. So I wouldn't have to go knock on my friends door, and ask for money or food. Man, praying to God to have people come and die in order for us to eat. I can't keep holding on to this though. Nah none of this was my fault. I shouldn't have to had those nightmares or struggles with alcohol or relationships issues. Having the ability to cut people off like a light switch. Feeling the need to when my heart is pricked by word or deed of others to want to rip their hearts out. Having trust issues even now.

I guess I still got issues with you huh.......till next time.