The First Time

Listen this is taking me places I have not been in a long time. I never wanted to go back, the Lord has other plans. His will be done. This is by far the most difficult time of the year for me, i have struggle all my life with not just this holiday, but all holidays. I never had any reason to celebrate. Thank God for deliverance, I am able to relive the pain and it not wipe me out. Glory to God.

There were always groups of people coming to by the house to see my Dad. Soon as they would show up he would get dress very quickly and he would leave with them. I always noticed that my Mom would have a combination anxious and sadness, little did I know that understanding was right behind me. When my Dad would return they would head straight towards my parents bedroom and shut and lock the door. I did not know how to express my curiousity about what was taking place behind the close door. So I would knock on the door and ask a question I already knew the answer to, in hope that they would either stop what they were doing or include me. After sometime the door would be open..........wow this is tough.......and I would see everyone in the room in a half sleep half awake state everything would be funny.

One day while my parents were away, now this did not happen to often them being away. Usually on the first of the month, check day. While they were away I decided to see what was going on behind those doors. Now this is after years of that door being closed. I looked all around the room, in all the usual places under the bed, behind the dresser.....then I went to the closet. I had to stand on something to reach the top, I couldn't see what was up there but i could reach it. I swept my hand across and brushed somethings, the thing I remember the most was the syringe. The effects that syringe has had on my life. It has taken so many things away from me, me not liking to have blood drawn has nothing to do with the feeling of the syringe on the outside but the pain it and rememberance of what it has cost me. I never asked my parents about it. It became the secret that we all knew but never talked about. I HATE SECRETS!!!!!
I am sorry we should have talked about it. I should have done more. What could I have done? Jesus I was so young, yet you had feel such pain........Thank You Jesus.